i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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