Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
