We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
