Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
When are your genitals available?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
