you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Help. Why am I so naked?
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