Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
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i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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