that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
