I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
