I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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