So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
