I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
