He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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