I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
