so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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