After last night, I could never be a politician.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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