life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
