two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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