I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
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