if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
