Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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