I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
