I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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