i love accidental penises.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
