There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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