The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just invented taco cereal.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
