I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
