If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
