What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
