My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I will pee on everything he values.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
