so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
