I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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