Well douche your snatch and let's go!
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
