I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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