my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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