Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
