I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
