Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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