I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
