dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
sex in a hospital.. check
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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