I am in a vortex of obligation.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just invented taco cereal.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Randomize
