i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
