So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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