im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
