apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
