I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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