Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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