FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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