Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
