the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
