if you like me you must not know who I am
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
