thus making me awesome and them whores
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Floor bacon is actually really good
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
