I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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