Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
