once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
