She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
