I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Sorry about my life...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
