come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
