After last night, I could never be a politician.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Randomize
