I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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