I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Randomize
