Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!