You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
