There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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