wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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